Case History: Andrea, The Speaker With 35 Years Of Terror Induced Laryngitus, Part 2

PART 2: What Actually Is Fear Anyway? (To read Part 1, click here)

On her second session, Andrea was anxious to get started, so I continued where we had left off. (click here for Part 1)I asked Andrea of she had ever heard of the Sufi poet by the name of Rilke. She said she had not so I told her that Rilke had once said, “Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

Fear and Anxiety Are Important Signals

I suggested to Andrea that “Rather than trying to silence your fears, consider fear and anxiety as important signals from a part of you that is seeking your love and support.” Andrea commented that she had “never thought of fear or anxiety in quite that way before.”

I continued, “Again together, as we did in our last session, we’re going to talk with your fears. We’re going to ask them, “What do you want us to know?” And if we listen closely, we may learn a lot that we right now do not know, things that we really need to know so that we can help you on your way to becoming a great speaker.”

Your Fears Will Tell Us Everything We Need To Know

Andrea stopped me right there and said, “Great speaker? Well that may be stretching it a bit doncha think?” “Not at all I replied. “Your fears will tell us everything we need to know in order to help you. Often your fear is actually a deep feeling of helplessness that needs your attention.” Andrea nodded as this seemed to make real sense to her so I went on.

I asked Andrea to think back in time to when she first remembered having fear of public speaking. She immediately knew the answer: “I was in junior high school and I was doing this play in front of everyone and I opened my mouth and nothing came out and everybody laughed at me. It was horrible. Hummiliating.”

“And what has happened since then? I asked. “I have never been able to talk at all in public since then. 35 years.” Andrea replied as she grabbed her throat and made a gagging sound. “That gagging feeling and sound has been true every time you opened your mouth to speak since then?” I inquired. “Every time.” Andrea said, sighing a heavy sigh.

“Well don’t worry. We’re going to fix that. When you ask them, how did your fears feel about that?” I asked gently. Slightly teary and without opening her eyes, Andrea replied, “Scared. ” And then I asked, “And how do you, Andrea feel about that as you look back on it?” Andrea answered slowly,  “Me? I feel embarrassed. Humiliated. Frustrated. Angry. Helpless.”

I suggested to Andrea that her feelings of helplessness she and others have when they think about speaking in public can actually be great sources of information and power. I explained that “For many of my clients, once their fears, the really young part of you that endured the humiliation,  have a chance to really communicate how scared they truly were then, it can be a real turning point.”

What The Internal Voices Of Catastrophe Are Saying

I reminded Andrea of what images they had sent to her last week in those internal images of catastrophe and reminded her how in our last session she was able to see them as so outrageous or far-fetched that we both actually laughed out loud. I explained further, “And now today, we are having chance to get to what deep and true feelings are really underneath those images of catastrophe in your feelings of absolute helplessness. How does it feel now to say what’s really true for you and has been true for a very long time?”

Telling The Truth Can Be A Huge Relief

Andrea thought for a moment and then answered, “Well surprisingly enough, I feel kind of relieved. I have been fighting this reality for so long, and it has been so tiring. It’s just kind of nice to finally say what’s true.” I nodded and said, “The relief of finally giving your fears a voice can have a truly transformative effect on you.”

Your Fear Voices Can Turn Into Allies

I continued, “Once we listen to your fears, as we are doing now, and begin to understand what happened to you in the past that was so frightening, and which incidentally is usually where these fears began, we can absolutely turn them around. Then every time you speak in public, rather than you finding yourself in a perpetual internal battle with those “annoying little weasels” as one of my clients called them, these torturous and debilitating inner fear voices in your head can transform into your true allies, give you the support you need and actually will begin to cheer you on while you are speaking.”

“Well that would certainly be nice!” Andrea said.

A New Understanding Of Your Fears Can Release Tremendous Energy

I explained further, “And you’re not alone. It is my experience with many clients that with a  new understanding of their fears, it also releases tremendous energy, and potential and in the end promotes a feeling finally of peace of mind for them.”

“That would even be better!” Andrea smiled

“Yes it would be. And now that we are clearer on what’s really been going on and your fears know that we are truly listening and you now have support in my help with your next speech I can assure you they will begin to get quieter. ” I added.

“Really?”Andrea said hopefully.

“Yes, as long as they  know that you are prepared to always listen to them, that childlike part of you, and also as the grown up adult now, do whatever it takes to reassure then that we are not ever going to place you in that same position again as you were as that scared young woman into that terrifying humiliating experience, they will stay much calmer. Preparing for that dreaded speech of yours can then become a satisfying challenge. Those fears that you  heard speak those images of catastrophe, are a parts of you that are just still terribly frightened. Like my other terrified clients, there was that experience in your past that happened that placed you in a state of terrible vulnerability and humiliation in the first place.”

“You mean others have had equally terrifying experiences like me?” Andrea asked hopefully.

The Vulnerable Parts Will Do Whatever They Have To Do To Protect You

“Absolutely.” I said. “This same part that was so vulnerable at one point in your life, right now still believes it’s job is to protect you and it will do whatever it can to protect you by trying to get you out of giving a speech so that you never ever have to feel that pain and suffering ever again. That’s what is so incredibly interesting about fears. At this point in your life, they still think it’s their job to save you from what they believe is certain disaster. But you’re more grown up now thirty five years later, and you have lots more courage and strategies and new ways to support and protect yourself that you did not have when you were 14. “

You Are Completely In Charge Now

I continued, “Next session we are going to work with that part of you and help that vulnerable part of you get to know how much you have grown as an adult since then, and how much more able you are to protect it now. This part really just needs to know that you are completely in charge and are going to protect it now in the present. Once we reassure that part, I guarantee you that the panicked voices you have inside will calm down and not strangle you as much. And you’ll have a lot more fun when you speak! I guarantee it!”

Andrea agreed that she would “love to have that kind of speaking experience!”

Your Fears Need You To Comfort Them

“Now Andrea, I want you to try something and I know it may, at first, sound a little strange. But I want you to try it ok?”

Andrea looked
at me quizzically. “Well this whole thing has been kind of strange, talking to my fears and all But I trust you when you say you can help me. And I’m desparate. If you can’t help me then I’m a dead duck out there in front of all those people. So yeah, I’ll try anything at this point! Andrea laughed.

“Ok. Here it is. Every time your fears send you another word picture or image of disaster or you feel yourself suddenly out of the blue getting anxious about this speech, I want you to say to your fears, ” Don’t worry. I’m listening to you now. You don’t have to worry. We’ve got help and support now. I won’t let you down. I’m in charge. I’m an adult now. We’ll get through this together.” Do you think you can do that Andrea?”

“Well yeah. Sounds wierd but yeah.” Andrea said shaking her head. “You’re sure about all this?”

I looked Andrea straight in the eyes: “Absolutely. Without question. You and your fears are safe with me and I will not let you fail. Promise.”

To Be Continued…..

Part 3: How We Turned Andrea’s Fears Around With New Strategies and Objectives